Life Together: Questions Before the Start
What difficulties await lovers who are going to live together? The psychologist Janet Reibstein and the coach Susan Quilliam answer.
Before you begin to agree on small household issues: which bath mat to choose or what color should be the utensils for a dinner, try to agree on more global issues. It’s better to discuss them with your partner in advance, for example, when you think for the first time that it’s time to start living together.
Here are several difficulties that couples most often encounter when deciding to move to a new stage in their relationship. Psychologists recommend talking about them in advance before you start packing.
1. How do you both feel about marriage?
This may seem like a rather strange question for those who have already decided to live together. But are your motives the same? “For each partner, living together can mean something different,” warns psychologist Janet Reibstein. — For some, this is a natural stage before the wedding. And for someone, it’s just a step in a relationship, without any plans for the future. ”
Think about why you made this decision. If the prospect of marriage doesn’t scare you both — great! But if you want to come together to save your fading feelings, think again, is it necessary to save them?
2. Who pays the bills and who does the dishes?
Money and housework are two of the main causes of family quarrels. Ask yourself: is the partner responsible, how will he behave in difficult situations? “When we begin to live in marriage, the behavioral scenarios laid down in us in deep childhood by our family come to the fore,” explains Janet Reibstein. — It is obvious that we are sharing with our partner not only living space but also life. It would be nice to understand that everyone has their own idea of how to. How to pay, cook dinners, wash dishes, water flowers and make up the bed. ”
3. How do your disputes end?
The way couples experience conflict affects their relationship. But, as with issues of everyday life and money, there are no categories of “right” / “wrong”. Many begin to quarrel after they come together. But even if you had any small quarrels or big quarrels with slamming doors earlier, now everything will be different.
“You have to change the way you argue and quarrel,” says Susan Quilliam, relationship coach. “At least you have nowhere else to go, slamming the door loudly.” Especially if the apartment is small. ” There is a possibility that not only the manner will change, but also a cause for debate. For example, if you had previously ignored the partner’s chronic tardiness, now they can begin to irritate more.